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total fuck up.!!

i binged.. and even after i fasted all yesterday and i had dropped about 3 lbs, i was like at 126, im probably back at 129.
aneways, im just going to try and forget about it, i just need to start new..

Tomorow i am going to go see Damian Marley and NAS wit my friends, i dont even really listen to there music but im just going to go have a good time, it gets my mind off food when im having fun.. lol Last time i went to Portland with my friends we got so wasted, they bought beer since some of them are 21, haha it was awesome, i hadnt eaten anything 3 days before that day so i got drunk pretty fast, and i didnt get home until 6am,, my mom didnt say anything..i even had to call her to answer the door for me becuase it was locked. i got home threw up, and passed out.

lol OH and i just have to say this,, last time i got high was about 2 weeks ago, it was the weirdest thing ever, i was on day 2 of a fast and i guess the weed affected me differantly, i went blind for a few min, i felt as if i could feel the vibrations in the earth, everything was white except i could see a black outline of things.. im never getting high on an empty stomach again.. i had to that time though, my friend was leaving to boot camp and we were getting high together since he was like the one who introduced it too me.. and hes one of my best friends i suppose.

And finally, i have a friend who has been doing coke, i seem to have quite an intrest to it, i understand it supresses appetite, which makes it appealing to me, i want some though.. he might give me some. hes not sure if he wants too, he told me he doesnt want me to get hooked on it.. i wont though.

anyways its 1:09am, and im like not tired anymore, the food is in my stomach and i can feel it.. its gross.

july 27th.. 8:06pm.. bored and annoyed.

i feel like shit today, it fucking hot outside and even hotter inside. And the worst part is my mom brought over bags of ice cream, just what i need temptation. i woul normally take a nap, but its to hot to take a nap. And tomorow its going to be 100°F... same as today.

at least im not feeling hungry, and i have nothing to do all day except hangout around the house and practice my drawing skills, even though there kinda suckish... i hope i can go to portland soon and get new clothes, i need new jeans the ones i have are too lose, even my belt cant tighten them enough or else they get all weird and scrunched up. i have one month and 1 week to lose 20 lbs, is it possible idk, i hope it is.. im barley at 129 i need to see change soon or else im going to get restless...  if i dont lose it i'll probably beat myself up, which i have before.. ugh i hate life...

Sat. July 25

Today is the last day of the fair, i want it to be over so i can start fasting, i feel so out of it these last couple days. Kinda like numb and when i lay down in my bed at the end of the day i forget everything tha happened. i feel almost dead, without emotion. its weird.

anyways i have lost only 11 lbs since school got out that was june 9th, i am so dissapointed becuase i know i could of lost more, but school dont start until september. I dont know if its even possible that i can be 110 by the begining of fall, but i hope and im trying really hard to get there. . . 

H- 5'5"
HW- 185
CW- 129
GW- 120
GW2- 115
GW3- 110
maybe 105,, i'll see...

my diet consists of water, oatmeal for breakfast and tea... somtimes i binge but i seem to be getting better at controling that.
but yeah, my goal at this point is to get to 110 before school starts. so cross your fingers and wish me luck :]

MY BFF :D

Im soo bored and i cant sleep, i cant wait till tomorow tho, my bff moved back from Arizona she was only gone for a year but hey we missed our whole sophmore year together, anyways were hanging out at the county fair tomo. :] but yeah... (:


Who is your best friend? She is a girl who is awesome!!
Do they have any nick names? they sure do...
How did you meet them? um middle school.
How long have you known them? about 5-6 yrs :)
What is her/his birthday? it is 5 days before mine!
What is your BFF's best quality? EVERYTHING.
Do you know everything about them? i believe so.. not sure i will have to ask.
What is your favorite thing to do together? um just hangout i believe.
Are you both in the same grade? Yes sir.
Have you ever had your pics made together? what???
Do you borrow clothes from eachother? no haha well shes borrowed my sweaters.
How far does your BFF live from you? she did live 3 states away.. but she moved back. pretty far though.                                                             How often do you see eachother? once in a while..                                                                                                                                                             Do their parents like you? why wouldnt they?
Did/Do you go to the same school? yes we do now :}
What is their favorite store to shop in? she likes many stores.
Have you slept in the same bed as this person? um no..
Have you taken a shower with this person? ahah wtf.
Do you have a special handshake? no we should make one :D
Do you like the same sports teams? shes not into sports.
Have you ever gone out of town together? no not yet.
Do you have a best friend charm or bracelet? um nope.. thats too gay. haha
Do they always have your back? they sure do. always
Do they have a cell phone? yup.
Do they have pets? not no more.
Have you liked them as more than a friend? um... nah.
What is their full name? not you!!
What is your full name? my full name is JOHN!!! ha
Have they hurt you? no never, thats whats surprised me.
Have you ever cried with them? yeah i think so, cant remember.
Do they have a boyfriend/girlfriend?yeah they do.
Why are you best friends? becuase we just are, even when i was a fatty.
You or your BFF
Who is more daring? her i believe.
Who is smarter? lol she is she just acts dumb.
Who is more Athletic? probably her.. wow this is sad.
Who has more pets? she does!!!
Who has longer hair? she does shes a girl..
Who is more popular? she is...
Who is more energetic? um me! yay first.
Who is more artistic? i am :]
Who is more organized? none of us. haha
Who is stronger? she is, i am one weak motherfucker.
Who is more trustworthy? both of us!!
Who is the better driver? she is.
Who watches more TV? i do!!!
Who has more siblings? she does..
Who has the bigger house? i havent seen her new house.
Who loves who more? both of us dude!

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